The Fool-Proof Guide to Failing with Flair

Everything you need to know about getting it wrong.


So here it is, the little smoking vignette that jump-started this whole thing for me:

I would like to fail at smoking. Right now I am a smashing success. It has been pathetically unusual for me to have many successes these days but smoking seems to be my greatest daily accomplishment. I have some mid-range success at drinking (booze, that is) but I’m not sure I will ever reach the pinnacle (or pit) required to motivate me to fail at it. I never forget to have a cigarette with my coffee or after breakfast, lunch and dinner however. I always remember to smoke at the bar and in my car (feeling a little Dr. Seuss here) and before I go to bed. Who knew I could be so good at something? I forget my vitamins on a regular basis. Dishes are always piling up in the sink and the recycling has been sitting by my trash can for weeks, but I remember to smoke every single day. I’m kind of a savant at it. That and word games. Everybody’s gotta have something they’re good at, right? Well I have decided I would rather be an accomplished breather. Stunning, I know. I mean everyone breathes! You’d think I might want to be good at something a little more unique, like cliff diving or toenail art. Truth be told, when it comes to cigarettes, I’ve already smoked the competition. It’s getting old but the field of breathers offers a whole new range of possibilities. Maybe I can be the best. In the end I will surely fail but everyone does.

P.S. Currently I’m still a successful smoker. I’ll get around to failing one of these days . . .

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