The Fool-Proof Guide to Failing with Flair

Everything you need to know about getting it wrong.

The Unemployment Line

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I have been meaning to take a course on teaching English as a second language (TESOL) for a few months now. It seems like a great opportunity for adventure, income, and inspiration. I originally signed up for the course in July but needed to postpone until the next one in September due to a family/financial hiccup. No biggie. The September course got cancelled by the provider so I signed up for the one they offered in October. I was really looking forward to it. Two days ago I got an email from the provider, informing me that the October course has now also been cancelled and I am welcome to sign up for one of the next sessions, in November or December, 2 hours away, in Boston (the last two were supposed to be held locally). Hell no. I’m not sure if the universe is trying to tell me that attempting to leave the country is a bad idea, or if I’m just exceedingly unlucky at scheduling new educational opportunities, but I’ve decided to put the whole thing on hold for now. Unfortunately that means I now need to go back to searching for a more mundane and geographically convenient occupation to support me while I get my writing resume polished and figure out if international travel is karmically advisable.

I have been down the road of job searching, resume manipulation and rejection several times in the last few years. It has not been a positive, uplifting or financially rewarding experience. I am not looking forward to more rejection (really, an almost total lack of any type of response to my inquiries). I can’t avoid the necessity of a job though, so I started tweaking my resume again this morning and poking around for employment. My frustration level is high. I woke up at 5 am and spent several hours gallivanting around internet job sites. I didn’t find a plethora of career opportunities I am qualified for, or even very many crappy little jobs that are not marketing scams or slave labor. Given the current employment market, opportunities and past responsiveness (or complete lack thereof) of employers to my resume, I am considering an entirely new approach. Maybe this will at least generate a second look before circular filing.

NEW RESUME

Name: Effie Fallire (maybe, just maybe, I’ll go ahead and give them my real name)
Address: Hippie-Happy Valley
Phone: 867-5309
Email: pleasedomethecourtesyofatleastreplying@desperate.com

Education:
High school: It’s been almost 30 years. Do you really need to know this shit?
College: BA in BS from a state institution. Penal, mental, or higher education. Your choice. GPA 3.9
Advanced: JD from a semi-prestigious New England Law School. No longer worth the paper it’s printed on. GPA 3.5 ish

Professional Licenses:

Minus 1. No, make that minus 2. I tried to sell life insurance at one point. That license lapsed.

Work Experience:

1983-1995 Lots of low-paying retail, waitress and bar tending jobs. There was a little schooling thrown in here and there over this time period as well.

1995-2000 None. I was in school.

2000-2010 Lawyer. No references available. You don’t want to talk to these people anyway. Lawyers are sneaky, evil bastards.

2010 Candlemaker

2011-2012 Disaster management

2012-present Looking for a new job

Skills: Word, Excel, Words with Friends, motivational packing companion, Candy Crush

Hobbies: Pet/house sitting, plant killing, bacon eating, blogging, drinking, smoking

Other languages: sarcasm and profanity.

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