The Fool-Proof Guide to Failing with Flair

Everything you need to know about getting it wrong.

Tag Archives: Bacon

Bacon Part Two

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I have definitely had one of those weeks where you just want to step outside, raise your fist at the sky and yell, “OK Universe, I get it already! You hate me!” It’s actually been a little more than a week but who’s counting? The last five years or so have made cursing at “the powers that be” a common occurrence in my life, for all the good it has done. I haven’t actually gone outside to curse the skies, but only because it’s likely to be a dangerous undertaking. I think I have gotten a total of 40 hours of sleep in the last 10 days. I have lit two cigarettes at the wrong end, poked myself in the eye with my mascara wand, eaten an entire tray of macaroni and cheese in one sitting, consumed 3 large chocolate bars, run out of coffee twice, and forgotten to take off my underwear before getting in the shower. Yet again. The most upsetting small tragedy, however, was missing a piece of plastic packaging on the tray when I tried to cook bacon in the oven today. I cried. Seriously.

On the bright side, I did keep up with the dishes and prep work/interviews for an article I’m writing, got laundry done, and today I went grocery shopping. I bought 2 pounds of bacon and have one left, so I guess not everything is looking down. I also managed to forget, for several days, that tomorrow is Halloween, which resulted in neglecting to purchase gigantic bags of candy for no one but myself. It all goes on sale Friday, but maybe I won’t want any more sugar by then. Maybe. The fact that I haven’t crawled back under a rock pleases me, but I’m not a fan of the stress-eating-disorder I seem to have developed. I guess 5 pounds regained is a somewhat acceptable price to pay for maintaining my grip on the sliver of sanity I’ve reclaimed. Despite my crappy week or so, it’s good to know that although I am fat, klutzy, tired, and forgetful, I am still OK.

This is my first post in a week. The ghouls from my past have been tromping around on my good humor, and picking on myself hasn’t seemed all that appealing. I was too distracted by carbohydrates, nicotine, and sugar anyway. There may have been some wine involved as well . . .

I think the worst is over for the moment. There are more storms to come but apathy and pathos are things of the past. It is possible I will still waste the occasional half-day zoning out to The Voice, or that a Candy Crush relapse looms on the horizon, but there is still bacon in the fridge, a chocolate bar in the pantry, and I put laundry detergent next to the shower. Next time I get so distracted that I forget to remove my panties, I can use it as an opportunity for another clean pair. Life is full of silver linings!

Bacon

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I’m a perfectionist. As in: if I can’t get it perfect the first time, I become upset and give up. This is a very bad attitude for anyone who wants to be a writer because first drafts are never perfect. Final drafts are never perfect either. I am working to tame this “all or nothing” character flaw but it flares up at the most inconvenient times, such as right after I start my first blog. Seriously? I’ve got lots of stuff to choose from and a gazillion failures for inspiration but I hate the current incarnation of everything I have already written and my hatred is blocking my failure-flow. So today’s post will be about bacon. Sorry, that’s all I could come up with.

Bacon is delicious. That deliciousness makes up for the fact that bacon is bad for you in every way except emotionally. Unless you’re a vegetarian or vegan. Then it’s bad all the way around and I feel sorry for you in your bacon-less existence.

It would seem like failing at bacon should be virtually impossible. It’s not. Right now I have no bacon. Total failure. I have no bacon mostly because I haven’t been grocery shopping recently. Consequently I have been reduced to eating raisins, carrots and almond butter out of the jar (I also have no bread). I was supposed to go grocery shopping on Saturday. It’s now Tuesday and I would be at risk of not going shopping again today except I woke up thinking about bacon. The other reason I have no bacon is because I have discovered the best bacon ever at my local Whole Foods store and I’m pretty sure I cannot resist eating the whole package once it has been cooked. That’s what I did last time. I did make 2 fantastic BLTs with some of the bacon but I just gobbled down the rest of it standing at my kitchen counter after eating those BLTs right in a row. While that might not be a bacon failure it is undoubtedly a precursor to heart failure. I also fail to recall the name of said best bacon ever because I threw the package away. I am, however, confident I can find it again. That doesn’t help anyone reading this who now wants some of that particular brand of bacon but I swear I will post the brand name in the comments as soon as I get some more. Later today.

That’s it. I have nothing more on bacon failure because those are the only ways I have ever failed at bacon. I have included a link about chocolate covered bacon for your enjoyment and in case you, like me, think that’s a stellar combination. Eat bacon. Be happy.

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